Matthew 8 & 9

I have decided to read the New Testament all the way through without jumping around the next few months. I enjoy Bible studies more than just reading straight through, I like topics but I thought their might be some verse the Lord will show me that are for me at this time than from a topical Bible study. I am in Matthew chapter 8 & 9 . It is all pretty much red letter, so I figure that it is pretty important, since God himself physically spoke it out of his mouth. The problem is that most of us don't want to work on these areas, I know I don't. I got stuck on two areas. First forgiveness, why is it so hard to forgive? For me, it usually means that I didn't get to have my say, so I can't clear up something that was said or done that might have been taken the wrong way or somebody did something to me or heaven forbid my family and I haven't been able to right the wrong, so I dwell on it. As I was talking alone in the den last night to God, trying to decided if I really do forgive when wronged, because I bring it up in my mind every once in a while. I came to a realization about myself and probably many other women. We are nurturers, it is our nature to fix things, to make things alright. Just because someone has wronged us or our family, we can forgive in time, but as a women we think that once we forgive everything will be OK and we should go back to the way things use to be. That is where I struggle with did I really forgive if I don't want to be friends anymore. I realized that it is OK not to be friends, that I don't wish any harm, grief, or failures to this person. I just don't need or have to hang around with them anymore. That I have forgiven them, however because of the offense, I can't trust them at this time, and if the offense has happened more than once it will take a lot longer to trust them again. As a woman I had to tell myself that this is OK, that I really have forgiven, and that my communication with the father is still in tact. We as Christians try to tell everyone that if your a good christian, you will get along with everyone. I don't see Jesus happy with the Pharisees, or him wanting to hang around in close contact with the ones who opposed him. He loved them all but was wise enough not to get but so close..... The other verse that stopped me was Jesus saying he wants mercy (to be spared from harm, judgement, danger or trouble/to be kind and forgiving) instead of sacrifice (Forfeiting, giving up something, to offer up something). God doesn't ask me to give up things, but to be merciful. It is much easier to give up things than to be thoughtful, forgiving or kind to people. This takes an effort on my part to have a relationship with others. I still have to think on these things and make clear all God is telling me